International Swimming Pool Rules

1. No ducking, bombing or diving, unless on command from the Pentagon.

2. Lifeguards are there to guard. Please obey their orders respectfully and promptly. The guns are (mostly) only there for show.

3. Maximum capacity – has already been reached. Crisis lines and camps are in the process of being set up. Please wait elsewhere until they’re open.

4. No flippers, buoyancy aids or inflatables. These are to be kept for when sea levels rise another ten feet.

5. Evacuation procedure. Please swim carefully to the nearest exit. Middle-aged white men with Armani suits and bank balances over a billion dollars will be given priority.Β  Everyone else should prepare to sink or swim, swim or sink.

6. Do not panic if your eyes start to sting and you feel strong chemicals fill your lungs. These are essential for effective cleansing.

7. No screaming.



Sarah James/Leavesley is a prize-winning poet, fiction writer, journalist and photographer. Her most recent titles include How to Grow Matches (Against The Grain Poetry Press) and plenty-fish (Nine Arches Press). Her website is atΒ