Smart House
At seven the bed wakes you with a gentle vibration as the TV comes on. Like all your appliances the bed and TV are an integral part of the Unit and will remain until the SmartHome is deactivated (more information can be found in the appendix.) The lighting will shift from dawn to daylight enabling you to awaken fully, then the curtains open on a scene of your choice. There is a wide selection of views, from forests to mountains and seascapes to rivers (please note the ‘world outside’ is not available with this package.) Your teasmade has already produced a hot brew with the strength matched precisely to a shade- card; your partner has returned from his five-kilometre run in the SmartGym and coffee is percolating on his side of the bed. You like tea, he likes coffee; you have been matched according to the profiles you created and are therefore perfect for each other. You have both stated that you would like to procreate and as soon as sufficient funds have been deposited the protocol will be activated to move you to a Family Facility.
While drinking your tea you should peruse your agenda for the day. When you have confirmed your acceptance of all items, spend some time in conversation with your partner. A list of suggested topics will appear on the TV screen but the news and the day’s plans should provide ample material. You are encouraged to make the most of these moments. At seven-twenty your intimate time is over and a reminder will appear to check your phone. Messages can be projected onto the TV or the bathroom mirror where you can give any replies verbally.
At seven-thirty the bed lifts up and the shower will begin running. Unless any sickness has been diagnosed by the SmartDoc there is no reason to stay in bed although you are allowed an extra half-hour at the weekend. After five minutes the shower will turn off and you will put on the clothes specially selected by your wardrobe generated by your schedule for the day. Should you wish to change any plans you will need to log onto the house computer and alter the central programme so that each room is synchronised. For the efficient functioning of the House you should keep changes to a minimum and resist acting on impulse.
Morning and evening are key times for you and your partner. Should the programme detect any problems you will automatically be referred to our e-counselling service: problems are detected by our unique algorithm which monitors conversation levels, physical intimacy and eye contact. Your privacy is important to us so be assured that we do not monitor the content of your conversation, though the app may detect features such as tone of voice and length of silences (for further guidelines on how we use your information, see our Terms and Conditions.) Arguments are not permitted – see the comment on guests below.
Aerobics begins at 7.45 when you should be on your mat and ready. The SmartTutor will monitor your progress and at the end a printout of Her feedback will be issued which you should peruse as you eat. Breakfast will be waiting in the dining-room. The week’s menus are online and can be viewed via any wall screen. On special occasions you may request items from the recommended list but for everyday consumption you should stick to our plan as it delivers exactly the right balance of proteins, minerals, vitamins and carbohydrates. (Your dietary needs are continually assessed by the NightNurse app which you should plug in before sleep.) After breakfast our ToothSmart system ensures teeth and gums are healthy and alerts the dentist to any problems. Please note that breakfast presents another opportunity for you and your partner to talk, though as you also need to review your aerobics session and catch up with messages, this chat is not monitored. At eight-thirty the car exits the garage to take you to work.
The house does not sit idle during your absence. It will activate the robo-vac for the carpets and the mop system to clean the kitchen floor but before this it will dust. Please note that any extraneous objects left on the surfaces will be swept into the rubbish chute so make sure nothing is left lying around. The chute separates recyclables, compostables and items for the Garbage Rocket. As part of the cleaning rota the bleach programme for all three toilets will be brought into play and the shower and sinks will be sluiced.
These guidelines are given only for information; there is no need for you to concern yourself with any of the activities. In the unlikely event of any facility breaking down the Central Tower will be alerted and a repair effected while you are out. Charges for these provisions are included with annual service fees for the SmartHome, including a contingency plan for any serious malfunction (though it is not anticipated that this will be needed.)
Be assured that in light of the climate emergency your SmartHome is guaranteed 100% carbon-neutral under the Climate Protocol. Not only were we built to strict specifications but we have a self-monitoring system which will not allow emissions to exceed legal levels. You need not concern yourselves with this.
While the cleaning is happening the Kitchen does a scan and orders stocks of anything running low. There is a daily delivery for smaller requirements and a weekly order for bulk items. After delivery the house sorts everything into its appropriate place using our unique
system of conveyor belts and QR codes (again, this is merely for information.)
In the afternoon the Robochef will begin preparing your meal. The Chef uses a number of very sharp knives so it is particularly important to keep clear of the kitchen at these times. You are expected back at six; should you wish to return earlier you will need to log in and alter the schedule, otherwise the house will not open. After work you like a glass of red wine at room temperature and this will be waiting in the lounge. The radio will be tuned to the classical station. You like classical music.
Your time outside the Home is not monitored but should your work give cause for concern we will receive a report from your Supervisor. It is vital that payments are kept up otherwise you may lose your Home, therefore compliance at work is essential.
When driving please do not try to take over from the AutoDrive as this may invalidate your insurance. When you arrive home leave the car outside and it will take itself to the garage. Once inside, take off your shoes and step into slippers. Your shoes will be taken to the cupboard and filed and unless an evening out is scheduled you will not be able to access them till the morning. Remember, it is unsafe to enter the kitchen and may invalidate your insurance so after work you should go straight upstairs and change into casual clothes. In half an hour your partner will be home, by which time dinner will be served.
This is a key time for your relationship so take full advantage of it. Conversation topics are free-range but the day’s events should provide ample material. When guests are invited the House will provide conversation cards or you may choose to make your own chat but pease note that politics and religion are strongly discouraged and any arguments will be halted by the House Alarm system. After dinner you drink herbal tea and your partner has decaffeinated coffee. Stimulants disrupt sleep.
The TV viewing schedule is already set up and as with other changes you will need to log in to the house beforehand to alter it. When choosing alternative programmes please stick to our list as some programmes may be over-stimulating. Should you require an extra beverage or a snack at this time just log onto the computer and it will be brought to you, provided of course that it is in line with your nutritional requirements – remember, mineral water and fruit are available in every room. Alcohol is permitted only in small quantities as we want you to enjoy yourself but also to live as long as possible. At ten o’clock the TV will switch off and the lights will dim. Upstairs a cup of chamomile will be waiting on your bedside console with your tablets set out: this medication has been calculated by the SmartDoc and compliance is essential. Before lights-out you have fifteen minutes to read from our library. Our books have been carefully selected to ensure a peaceful night, so please do not try to order others. From time to time the SexApp will indicate that your hormonal cycles are in alliance and you will make love instead of reading. Condoms are of course provided until such time as the finances are in place for you to procreate.
Before you lie down you must plug in the NightNurse. This monitors your blood pressure and heart-rate and alerts the SmartDoc to any problems. The memory mattress will remember your body shape and ensure a comfortable night. Dreams can be downloaded, otherwise the house will run a selection of the default dreams.
While you sleep the House may need to install upgrades: this should not disturb you and the next morning you will be given a tutorial to familiarise yourself with any new features.
This is the life you ordered.
No refunds.
Enjoy.
Sarada Gray began writing stories and poems at the age of eight and has been published in magazines including Mslexia, Everyday Fiction and What the Dickens magazine. She worked as Poet in Residence at Sound Cafe, a homeless project in Leicester and has performed in such diverse places as Leicester Cathedral and The Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square. She also writes novels and has a blog at https://lizardyoga.wordpress.com