Prose choice
Previous prose
Kayleigh Kitt
Licensing Applications received at the Local Council for Permission for Community Events
Henry leafed through the applications on his desk, sighed, picking up the first one.
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Application no. 56/438/b
Activity/Description: Cheese rolling. A large rinded cheese placed at the top of a hill. Entrants chase the cheese on descent. First to pass the finish line and to capture the cheese wins.
Venue: On a hill
Reason for request: Tradition.
Accept/deny: Denied – health and safety grounds and environmental issues
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Application no. 56/432/b
Activity/Description: Bog snorkelling. Entrants swim using only flippers, two lengths of a cut trench, in a peat bog. Quickest to lap is the winner.
Venue: Peat bog trench.
Reason for request: Competitive exercise.
Accept/deny: Denied – health and safety, and environmental grounds
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Application no. 56/432/b
Activity/Description : Hen racing. A 20-yard course. First hen and owner to cross the finish line crowned winner.
Venue: Pub car park
Reason for request: Tradition and exercise for owners and poultry.
Accept/deny: Denied – environmental grounds and animal welfare
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Application no. 56/657/b
Activity: Weighing the Mayor, Deputy Mayor, Councillors and Town Clerk at the beginning and end of a Mayoral year.
Venue: Market square, on a podium.
Reason for request: To ensure that tax payers money hasn’t been enjoyed too much in the financial year
Accept/deny: Accepted, wholeheartedly supported.
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Application no. 56/999/b
Activity/Description: Nettle stalk eating
Venue: Pub car park
Reason for request: A test of digestive system and historically to settle a dispute.
Accept/deny: Accept, subject to confirmation that the Ambulance Service is present
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Application no. 56/965/b
Activity/Description: Performer walks the parade wearing a 5-stone metal/straw bear suit, accompanied with a crew of Appalachian and Morris Dancers.
Venue: Beginning by the town fountain and finishing in the town centre, by the cannon.
Reason for request: Tradition.
Accept/deny: Accept, subject to confirmation that Ambulance Service is present, fire service and marshals.
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Application no. 56/965/b
Activity/Description: Wife carrying competition. Wife must weigh at least 50kg. Weight will be made up for those under 50kg with tins of beans.
Venue: The Ox Pasture in conjunction with the fair.
Reason for request: To resolve marital disputes
Accept/deny: Deny. Sexist.
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Application no. 56/631/b
Activity/Description: Gurning. Entrants pull unusual, bizarre faces, exhibiting the flexibility of their jaws and jowls.
Reason for request: Crowd control needed.
Venue: Town Square
Accept/deny: Deny. No one should see a contorted face at any time of the day, with or without the aid of alcohol.
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Application no. 56/056/b re-submitted
Activity/Description: Flaming tar barrel competition.
Additional information requested:- The barrels contain tar, sawdust and paraffin and only become flaming once thrown onto the bonfire in the market square.
Venue: Begin top of the Hill, over the field, through the streets to the market square.
Reason for request: Draws the crowds and good spectacle.
Accept/deny: Denied on grounds of health and safety.
*
Henry pushed the applications to one side. Truly the English were stark, raving lunatics, although he was looking forward to seeing the Mayor and all the Councillors being weighed in the summer.
He opened his lunch-box, retrieved a nettle stalk and chewed furiously.
Kayleigh Kitt lives in the Midlands, UK with her husband and an ageing tabby cat who thinks it’s a dog. Kayleigh’s had work published in Flash Fiction North, Bangor Literary Journal, Meditating Cat Zine, On The High journal, Active Muse, The Hooghly Review and CNF in Across the Margin.
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