Hi, I’m Bill. I’ve just moved in
to that little house on New Street
(you know the one, it’s been covered
in graffiti for God knows how long).
I’ve got six dogs and a dead rabbit
which I keep in the fridge
as well as lots of other hobbies
including necromancy and plastination.
I’m really looking forward
to becoming part of this vibrant community
when I’ve finally cleared up the rat infestation
at my previous property and been able to sell.
I know the village, of course –
my late wife was from these parts
until her unfortunate accident rather spoiled
things for her and her immediate neighbours.
I’m a great supporter of communal life
so expect to see me around –
look out for the vintage Bugatti
(make sure you see me coming before I see you!).
Do drop in to say hello,
but take care to warn me in advance –
here are always things to clear up, aren’t there,
and you wouldn’t want to come on something unexpectedly!
People say I’m a good talker – not, perhaps,
quite so hot on listening – but then,
very few of us are really interested in other people,
don’t you think? Sign of the times!
Obviously I’ll be looking for investment opportunities
in other properties – after all, that’s my job –
but don’t worry, I pay a fair price
and it’s nearly always done by mutual agreement.
David Punter is a poet and academic. He has published eight poetry collections, the most recent being Those Other Fields (Palewell) and Stranger (Cinnamon). He has had poems published in a wide variety of magazines in the UK and abroad, including PN Review, Encounter, Thames Poetry and The Puckerbrush Review.