Morning Outing with Mum
we are at a cafe just round
the corner from hampstead
heath & sipping berry sunrise
smoothies out
of soggy paper straws we
are watching tangles of cockapoos
too many north london
mums boys i went to school
with disguised by full grown
beards we speak about
my studies ahmed butler
nelson vuong (I even use the word
teleological) mum appears
impressed i press my now useless
straw into my glass
pick at a strawberry seed
wedged in my teeth mum is
being weird quiet
contemplative she is half
smiling i fiddle with my rings
uneasy the waiter seems angry
a child has thrown chips
on the floor the child is very pleased
about this i am unsure what to feel
for a moment i find myself
wishing i could be
so demonstrative
i sit silence
it feels as though
mum has something to say
i look to the chips on the floor
she inhales. ‘I have to ask… are you gay?’
i guess
we have found
a language of sorts
critical theory as ice breaker
or bull-dozer more like
of the walls i’ve built &
suddenly all the mums
are laughing at me i am naked
the dogs are growling
mum has changed the subject
it is not still me
i am tired hoping the outing is
almost over
& then she shuffles in
her seat i brace
there is more
i assume girlfriend maybe sex or- ‘and, are you a they/them… yet?’
the cockapoos have pooled
together each is carrying an item
of my clothing on its back over
parliament hill i see a doberman
approach the cafe fear for the
skin that coats my
flesh smoothie gloop
residue on glass
i have realised mum was never
impressed
i am realising the irony
i will come to realise this smoothie
always had a telos
seems almost funny to me now
that t e l o s is an anagram
for s t o l e
Arlo Kean (@_akeano_) is a community development worker and creative based in London. They are currently particularly interested in queer embodiment, kinship and loose forms of life writing. Their work can be found in t’Art Magazine and elsewhere