A LONGER KISS
(to John, 1963-2018)
On a mound
of ancient rubble
opposite the
Shish Gumbad,
in New Delhi’s
Lodhi Gardens,
a sign announces
in English
“This Is Grave
Not Allowed”
and a brown dog
howls.
The dog
struggles
in circles
to poke
its muzzle
through the cast
that holds its left
front leg
with existential
angst and manic
determination.
The dog
tries to push
its fit paw
through
the plaster
too.
The howl
can be heard
from the furthest reaches
of Hindustan.
The tourists
cover their ears.
And as it often happens
in poems
the dog’s plaster
becomes
a fitting simile
for my ribs,
perfectly cast
in the shape
of an ungiven hug,
which itches
like cotton
against my lungs,
nameless as the pain
you hid from me.
And when I saw
your ashes
floating away
in the sea of Barcelona
on St. John’s day,
my howl
was gargantuan
but muffled,
aware that bathing
in your ashes
was no replacement
for that final hug
that I never gave you
because
I refused
to think
that that night
would be
the last night
we’d be
in the same
bed
and I feared
that I’d crush that body
that shrank
in your pyjamas.
And when you said
you did not
want me to go
with you
all the way
to the airport
because
you’d already arranged
special assistance
at boarding
and my help
was not needed,
I hoped
that the brief
but eloquent
kiss
that we shared
just before
you crossedthe gate
at Saint Pancras
would not be
our last one.
Yet it was.
And now
all I can
do to be
close to your skin
is to wear your
Kate Bush fan-club t-shirt
and pretend
that the kisses
with which
I kiss my wrists
when I feel alone,
which is every day,
are yours.
And I regret
I never guessed
(no one guessed)
you’d include
Cesaria Evora’s
Bésame Mucho
in the list
(we found
too late)
of songs
you’d picked
for your funeral.
We did not
hear her sing:
Bésame, bésame mucho,
Kiss me, kiss me a lot,
como si fuera esta noche
as though tonight were
la última vez
the very last time.
Far from Delhi,
I’m a dog
howling
in silence
craving for
that final hug
and Cesaria’s kiss.
Ernesto Sarezale (@sarezale) is a hispanic performance poet and film maker. Active in London’s poetry scene for many years as a performer and event promoter, he has recently directed a documentary about LGBTQ+ spoken word. He has a poetry chapbook: https://www.amazon.