Rumours


They said she was a witch –
The old woman at number forty-nine,
So we never played ball near her house
Or chased her cat.
The crowd outside the chip shop
Moved when she appeared,
She never said “excuse me”
Like everyone else.

When I fell over, running past her house
She heard my scream.
I shivered when I saw her
And dreaded the torture that
She was bound to give me.
I couldn’t run and couldn’t shout.
“That’s foot’s broken,” she said.
She helped me inside, sat me down
And gave me her phone.
Whilst I phoned my mother
She put a bag of frozen peas on my foot
And stuck a lollipop in my mouth.
“Don’t tell anyone I was nice to you, mind,” she said.
“People think I’m evil and I like the peace and quiet.”

Now, as I try in vain to finish my script,
Kids running up and down the street
Shouting, spitting and swearing,
I’m half tempted to start a rumour
Just like old Agnes did.
Then maybe they’d fuck off.



Lucky Bastard


I’ve never found my G-spot
Or a diet that works
Or exercise that isn’t hard work
Or a work/life balance
Or wrinkle cream that works
Or a car that drives like a dream
That you could park on a stamp.
I’ve never had a stress-free Christmas
Or a worry-free holiday
Or interest-free credit
Or a hassle-free loan
Or a boredom-free job.
Or diet food that doesn’t taste like shit
Or tablets that are easy to swallow
Or tampons that make me feel sporty
Or shower gel that invigorates
Or a comfortable bra
Or underwear that’s slimming
Or ladder-resist tights
Or chip-free nail varnish
Or waterproof mascara
That can be removed without diesel.
Or watched a film which changed my life
Or listened to music which changed my life
Or read a book which changed my life
Or taken a flight without patronising cabin crew.
And if you have, you’re a lucky bastard.

•
Amanda Weeks lives in Pontypridd, South Wales with husband Carlos,
four-year-old son Travis and a cat called Rita. She began writing eight
years ago when, at 27, she decided to pack in her job as a collector,
invent a pile of A levels and study creative writing and drama at
university. She has had several short stories published in anthologies.
She has written for several music magazines. Her Welsh-language
screenplay Catastroffi was
broadcast on S4C in 2006, and she's had a further two screenplays
optioned to Tornado Films. She recently came third in the Welsh Poetry
Competition. She is currently writing a novel, and is adding to her
poetry and short story collections. She is currently working as a
supply teacher at Ysgol Gyfun Cwm Rhymni. Previously, she's worked as a
drama tutor and as an actress.