Her sister's wedding.
The sex was clumsy, fumbled, awkward and prolonged, or at least it
might have been if they were not suddenly interrupted by the power
being restored and the fluorescent light above them flickering
stutteringly back and flooding the room. He had been thinking no
further than the end of his appendage and she was too utterly wasted
to be thinking straight at all. The stark light showed her to be
crying without a sound, mascara black etching lines on her whiter than
pale skin. In a moment of utter tenderness he pulled down the sleeve
of his shirt and gently wiped away the charcoal tears. Ashamed and
terrified she quickly pulled at her skirt covering the traces of
needles on her thighs and ran from the room.
She woke the next day in a cold sweat and panic her head throbbed with
such a savage intensity that it might burst, she prayed it would,
that she could die on the spot.
* Peadar O'Donoghue says “I have had poetry published in Ireland in Poetry Ireland Review, The Shop and Revival. I lived for many years In England. I blog at http://totalfeckineejit.blogspot.com/ and have no certainty about what I think about anything but writing helps me set at least a few co-ordinates in the cosmos to steady
myself.”
You must see the Danish movie, “The Celebration” (Festen). This is the first thing that came to my mind.
Wow! This was startling from the get-go, but I was drawn in to the rhythm of the sex and the unexpected tender moment was breath-taking. It was worthy of its own film-script.
Kat Mortensen (a.k.a. Poetikat)
P.S. I've got your number now. P.O.
I thought of cinema too – very visual. Clever, opening during a power cut. And the light flickering like they do – almost like lightning.
seedy and touchingly romantic. Charcoal tears, nice.
Thanks ,Kat, for your great words and enthusiasm. Don't know that film, but I think Mrs O probably wouldn't let me watch it!
Ps. Is my number -7?
Cinema? Again? Mmm, thanks ,Dominic , thats interesting.If they make 40 second films, I might have a glittering career ahead of me !
Nicely summed up, Uiscebot, thanks for dropping by.
Very dark (but in a good way). I'm left wanting to know more about the two of them – particularly the girl.
Hey POD, nice piece – but nice is not the right word. I like the way they're caught in the horribly bright light like this, it makes me want to know more about both, but still be satisfied with what's been given here. Good work!
Barbara
I had a whole piece of praise typed in and lost it, the gist of which was that I liked the way they were caught in the light when it came on. Very black and white – good work!
You never cease to amaze me! Today it was your tenderness. Could that huge mask of comedy be covering a sucker for puppy dog eyes? I think so… Well done. Well done, indeed.
Very visual. Made me feel like a voyeur, almost as if I were there with them.
Good job
As usual, your conciseness, coherence, cohesion and clarity indicate that you are indeed a brilliant storyteller, TFE. The intricate lexicon of this text brings to mind my own memories of a kinfolk's wedding…now which one was that? hmmm….
Very punchy opening – the rawness, seediness (like uiscebot says)…this combined alongside the gentleness
makes it very compelling….it captures something vital and leaves room for manouvere for the reader…and I agree about the cinematic feel to it…could imagine it as a 'short' ….hearty congrats.
Liz : )
Thanks very much, Anonymous. Those scholarly,alliterative, articulate, professorial words, seem familiar and tell me ,were you too drunk to remember any of your relatives weddings? 🙂
Thanks for commenting PF, maybe Ill have to figure what happens next,or what happened before.Answers on a postcard from gifted writers would be most helpful.
Ooh, praise is good,I like praise. Thanks for both comments, B, mucho appreciated !
Thanks very much ,Susan,that's kind and Yip, you got me, I do love puppy dog eyes, but I couldn't eat a whole bowlful.
Great comment,thanks very much for that ,Ad Lad, nice of you to say so.
Lovely comment, Liz, thank you. Cinema thrice mentioned, I better get near the phone, I'm pretty sure Hollywood will be calling soon, real soon. I can picture the big opening night, all the limos, cheering crowds,Tv cameras,elephants,no expense spared Aldi buffet-wonderful.
That's funny, B, everyone at school used to call me POD, not the teachers of course, they called me f**k face.
This is really good TFE– startling turns in such a short space. I'm not too familiar with the form, but it seems you're on top of it with an eye to the details– as others have noted, the charcoal tears & that moment of tenderness are all quite remarkable.
A sad & lovely piece of writing.
Great comments ,John, thanks a million.You should try flash fiction,some of your san francisco poems would make great catalysts.