The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL #11 – #14
# 11
Yanni brings me a bottle of Amstel and returns to his corner. I pour a glassful. It's flat. 'Yanni!' He comes over. 'There's no bubbles in this beer.' What a translator I am! Yanni picks up the bottle and peers at it. Then he puts his thumb over the end and gives it a good shake. He looks again. 'There's bubbles in it now,' he says. He places the bottle on the table and returns to his corner.
# 12
The Astoria had two toilets, one marked 'Ladies' and one marked 'Gents'. They were identical – a wee window high up on the wall and a hole in the floor. No one bothered with the 'Ladies' and 'Gents' distinction; the footpads were unisex. Julie pulled Yanni up about the state of the place. 'That's some excuse you've got for a ladies' toilet,' she said. Yanni looked at me and winked. 'What's the problem, Julie?' he said. 'Ye go in there tae take a dump, no tae eat yer dinner.' Julie was having none of it. 'You know what I mean,' she said. Yanni laughed. 'Julie,' he said. 'If ye don't like the Ladies, yaze the Gents.'
# 13
Gerry seems pleased. 'That's the hot water back on,' he says. 'What happened?' I ask. 'The landlord showed me this switch on the wall when I arrived,' he says. 'Click. A wee red light came on. At the start of December there was a bang, and it went off.' He'd had his immersion heater on for two months. That was four months ago. He whacks a bottle of Badedas Africa onto the table. 'I'll be soaping it up tonight!' he says.
# 14
Hassle at the kiosk. It's surrounded by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Ten. Without the funny costumes. 'I am an American sailor!' the leader barks at the old woman inside. He has to stoop. She doesn't understand what he is, she just wants paid for the phone call. The police arrive. I step in. 'You're fucked, mate,' I tell the leader. 'AT&T cards don't work in Greece.' He takes a swig of Johnny Red out of his bottle. 'I am an American sailor!' he screams. The kiosk is about to get trashed. The police leave. I'm right behind them.
* Andrew McCallum Crawford is a Scottish writer who lives in Greece. His work has appeared in Lines Review and the Athens News. His first novel, Drive!, a comic tale of 1980s Edinburgh, rock music and attempted murder, is available from Skepdek Publishing.
