fourth step
“made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves”
my first
fourth step
on the porch
of the halfway house
out in the country
40 men
for four months
smoking
maybe
a million
cigarettes
I sat with Doug
notebook in hand
he would ask
“what was the fear?”
after
every inventory item
every winding anecdote
every unrequited love
there was so much
pretense
about penning this inventory
crossing this bridge
into a shared legacy
communion
with failures
and successes
and God;
a chance
for
true intimacy
there was no
privacy
and I was shocked
that what
made me cry
was recognizing
I was still
mad
about my childhood
the clothes
mom
dressed me in
the way
dad was never
happy
despite
all the hurt
I caused them
with my deceit
with my deadbeat living
with my death wishes
I never
felt vindicated
by unconsciously
seeking revenge
I knew then
the hot coal
I was holding
would only ever
burn me
Luke Kuzmish is a new father, recovering addict, software developer, and writer born and raised in Erie, Pennsylvania. His latest collection, “Little Hollywood,” was published in 2018 and is available on Amazon.