I’m at a party somewhere in Brazil
not the sit down one or the dancing one but the one where you’re stood up and the waiters come round and serve you little things on trays so you feel like some sort of posh giant when you eat them and it’s all very civilised and I find myself in a group of people with good hair and tailored suits who know which way round their business cards will be when they take them out of their inside pockets and they’re talking about scuba diving and one of them starts talking about a dive he did off the coast of Wherever and everyone nods like they all did the same dive the same mind-blowing dive and they keep nodding and they all nod so much that I think all of their heads are going to fall off and when the man finishes I crack my best joke and say why do scuba divers always fall into the water backwards and when I tell them the punchline a woman near to us laughs at the very moment she takes a sip of her wine and the spray goes everywhere and I mean everywhere all up the wall on some curtains a vase a passing waiter and on most of the people in the group and they look down at their suits then up at the woman then down at their suits and up at the woman and they’re shooting these black scowls at her as they dry their faces with their handkerchiefs before turning back but I can’t turn back because I’ve just recognised her and all I can do is smile because the woman responsible for giving most of my group a Prosecco shower is Elizabeth Bishop and she’s just laughed at one of my jokes and now they’re scowling at me as I’m smiling at her and they’re expecting my little comedy act to continue because they’re holding me at least 40% responsible for what just happened which I know will be reflected in the dry cleaning bill but I can’t do anything when Elizabeth Bishop has just laughed at one of my jokes and I feel myself melting like I’m stood above one of her flames and she’s captured all the gravity and I’ve forgotten language altogether because I’m looking at Elizabeth Bishop and Elizabeth Bishop is looking at me and I want to thank her not just for laughing at that silly joke but for everything so I half walk half float towards her and as I do so I remember the moose that stood in front of her bus wouldn’t it be funny if I asked about the moose but I tell myself not to even mention the moose she probably gets asked about it all the time you don’t want to look like an idiot in front of Elizabeth Bishop but in trying not to think moose everything becomes moose but do not under any circumstances ask about the moose
Tom Wiggins is a 31 year-old stonemason from Gloucester.