<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Night I Ordered the Smoked Eel<\/b><\/p>\n
It\u2019s late, late at night and I\u2019m sprawled on the couch watching a DVD of Mel Brooks\u2019 \u2018The Producers.\u2019<\/p>\n
Somebody says, in a low drawl, \u2018Must you keep picking your nose?\u2019<\/p>\n
I\u2019m immediately<\/i> alert: there\u2019s no-one else in the room \u2013 there\u2019s just me and Mungo the cat, either end of the couch. Nothing happens for a very long five seconds, then\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2018I said, must you keep picking your nose \u2013 it\u2019s utterly disgusting.\u2019<\/p>\n
I stare at the cat. Mungo stares back, in that disconcerting, direct way that cats look at you: \u2018Of course it\u2019s me, you prat. Never heard of a talking cat?\u2019<\/p>\n
In the course of the evening, I\u2019d drunk enough whisky to go with the flow: \u2018Er, well, there\u2019s that Saki short story about a talking cat called \u201cTobermory\u201d\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n
Mungo twitches his tail. I recall too late that poor Tobermory came to a sticky end. Mungo jumps off the couch, \u2018OK, Sunshine. Just keep your digit away from your nasal cavities from now on, and we\u2019ll say this conversation ever happened.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Hang on, Mungo. Sorry about the Tobermory reference: I was in shock – never met a talking cat before.\u2019<\/p>\n
He gave his tail a final, lazy twist. \u2018Bollocks. I talk to you all the time \u2013 you just never listen.\u2019<\/p>\n
I stare back. \u2018All the time? So\u2026 when was the last time?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Earlier this evening, when you were sat staring at a blank laptop screen.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Don\u2019t remind me \u2013 Must\u2019ve sat there for over an hour. Dismissed one half-baked idea for a short story. Then totally failed to come up with another.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Uh-huh. Hunched over your laptop, like a constipated tortoise.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018OK, OK, though I might borrow your \u201cconstipated tortoise\u201d analogy. Err, what was it that you said to me back then, when I was staring at the laptop?\u2019<\/p>\n
Mungo starts licking his right-hand back paw. \u2018Just said [slurp] I\u2019ve an idea for a story, if you want one [slurp]\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a long pause. No pun intended.<\/p>\n
\u2018So what was the idea?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018You really want [slurp] to know?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Sure.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018OK. How about some of that \u201cTuna Surprise\u201d?\u2019<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, in the kitchen: \u2018So Mungo, the story idea?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Mmm. Yeah. Hope you\u2019re gonna buy some more of that \u201cTuna Surprise,\u201d by the way. Right then: the story. You remember that Bergman DVD that you were watching before Christmas?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Ingrid Bergman??\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018No, you dope, Ingmar Bergman, the Swedish director. You were watching Bergman\u2019s \u201cThe Face.\u201d\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Oh yeah. Gotcha: \u201cThe Face.\u201d\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Well, dumbnuts, that\u2019s a great plot. The MC can work miracles. But nineteenth century Sweden has got no use for a saint or a messiah \u2013 he finds he\u2019s disturbing, unpopular. So, instead, he makes a hand-to-mouth living as a travelling magician. Occasionally, he deliberately messes up a trick, so there\u2019s less danger that the audience are disturbed by the thought that they might be witnessing a miracle. You\u2019ll recall that there\u2019s more to it, but you get my drift.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Hmm, I get your drift, Mungo. It\u2019s a great plot. But if it\u2019s already been done\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n
Mungo twitches his tail and turns away. I hastily apologise, \u2018Oops, sorry. A bit slow on the uptake after that whisky. Gotcha now: maybe make a few alterations\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Exactly. Update it to the twenty-first century; switch it from a travelling magician to, say, a travelling psychic. That sort of thing. After all, somebody pointed out that there are only seven basic plots in the whole world, so a bit of recycling\u2019s unavoidable.\u2019<\/p>\n
I sit quietly for a moment, absorbing this scintillating guidance. \u2018Thanks pal, want another dish of tuna?\u2019<\/p>\n
Mungo heads for the catflap, \u2018The tuna\u2019s finished. No thanks necessary. Just make sure you buy some more of that tuna tomorrow. Either that or some smoked eel \u2013 I understand that you can order that online.\u2019<\/p>\n
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<\/p>\n
Michael Bloor<\/strong> is a retired sociologist living in Dunblane, Scotland, who has discovered the exhilarations of short fiction. Recent publications include The Fiction Pool, The Cabinet of Heed, Ink Sweat & Tears, Occulum, The Copperfield Review, Scribble, Dodging the Rain, Everyday Fiction, The Drabble, Firewords, <\/em>and Spelk.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The Night I Ordered the Smoked Eel It\u2019s late, late at night and I\u2019m sprawled on the couch watching a DVD of Mel Brooks\u2019 \u2018The Producers.\u2019 Somebody says, in a low drawl, \u2018Must you keep picking your nose?\u2019 I\u2019m immediately alert: there\u2019s no-one else in the room \u2013 there\u2019s just me and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17665","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-prose-poetry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17665","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17665"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17665\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17770,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17665\/revisions\/17770"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17665"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17665"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17665"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}