{"id":1744,"date":"2009-06-17T20:50:46","date_gmt":"2009-06-17T20:50:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ink.verticalplus.co.uk\/archive\/?p=1744"},"modified":"2009-06-17T20:50:46","modified_gmt":"2009-06-17T20:50:46","slug":"making-an-expensive-trip-to-the-dentist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/making-an-expensive-trip-to-the-dentist\/","title":{"rendered":"Making an expensive trip to the dentist"},"content":{"rendered":"

A Trip to the Dentist<\/span>
 <\/span>

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
 <\/span>
(bright light shining)<\/span>
(head back, eyes closed)<\/span>
(funny taste, weird smell)<\/span>
 <\/span>
RRRREEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cOpen up wider, please\u201d<\/span>
\u201cLift up your chin\u201d<\/span>
\u201cThis may sting a bit\u201d<\/span>
(needle gum pinching, injection gripping, infection slipping, pricking a purple passive haze)<\/span>
(cooling circular currents of numb mollify my mouth violently in vertical, soothing, yet massive waves)<\/span>
 <\/span>
EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHH<\/span>
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cSpit\u201d<\/span>
\u201cThat\u2019s a good boy\u201d<\/span>
(drooling, tongue out, panting like a dog)<\/span>
 <\/span>
RERRRRREEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cNurse Ratched, more Novocain\u201d<\/span>
\u201cDoctor, he\u2019s bleeding a lot\u201d<\/span>
(suction device probing)<\/span>

SSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
WWWRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
 <\/span>
(thinking about changing my chosen brand of toothpaste)<\/span>
(though it says on the label that nine out of ten oral hygienists recommend it)<\/span>
(but what if my dentist is the one that doesn\u2019t?)<\/span>
(what would that mean?)<\/span>
 <\/span>
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA<\/span>
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cHave you been flossing?\u201d<\/span>
(nodding yes)<\/span>
(every evening, Doctor Kevorkian)<\/span>
 <\/span>
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR<\/span>
VRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR<\/span>
 <\/span>
(damn, that drill sounds so high-pitched and horrid)<\/span>
(why couldn\u2019t they make it sound like Mozart, Cradle of Filth, or at least 50 Cent?)<\/span>
(and what happened to the other patients from the waiting room?)<\/span>
(where did that old lady go?)<\/span>
(and why are all the magazines here from 2003?)<\/span>
(and what if Edward Scissorhands became a dentist under an assumed name and identity?)<\/span>
 <\/span>
KRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cWe\u2019ll have to take some X-Rays, too.\u201d<\/span>
\u201cI think those wisdom teeth need to come out\u201d<\/span>
(cavities opening in my bank account)<\/span>
 <\/span>
OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR<\/span>
 <\/span>
(levitating in the chair)<\/span>
(meditating on that scene from the film \u201cMarathon Man\u201d)<\/span>
 <\/span>
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH<\/span>
 <\/span>
(suddenly that Pixies song \u201cGigantic\u201d dances into my head, and I am temporarily transported to bliss)<\/span>
(\u201cHey, Paul! Hey, Paul! Hey, Paul! Let\u2019s have a ball!\u201d)<\/span>
(\u201cHey, Paul! Hey, Paul! Hey, Paul! Let\u2019s have a ball!\u201d)<\/span>
 <\/span>
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA<\/span>
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/span>
 <\/span>
(gargle)<\/span>
(discharge)<\/span>
(picturing Corbin Bernsen)<\/span>
 <\/span>
EIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEOOOOOOOOOOOOO<\/span>
EEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXNNNNNMMMMMEEEEEBBBBBEEEEWUWUWUWUWUWU<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cHere is my scalpel, cold and hungry\u201d<\/span>
\u201cWill you marry it?\u201d<\/span>
(only if it comes with a prenuptial agreement)<\/span>
(I swear I\u2019m not an anti-Dentite or anything like that)<\/span>
 <\/span>
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH<\/span>
Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh<\/span>
PTTTOOOOOOUUUUHHHHHH<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cWe\u2019re all done here today\u201d<\/span>
\u201cDon\u2019t eat anything for the next two hours\u201d<\/span>
\u201cNurse Ratched will finish you off\u201d<\/span>
 <\/span>
NAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<\/span>
 <\/span>
(bleeding, rinsing, rising, walking, puking, gripping my jaw, searching for the old lady)<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cI\u2019m afraid your insurance doesn\u2019t cover this procedure\u201d<\/span>
\u201cWill that be cash or credit card?\u201d<\/span>
 <\/span>
(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cHow will you be paying us today, sir?\u201d<\/span>
(weeping)<\/span>
 <\/span>
SWIPE, SWIPE, KA-CHING!<\/span>
 <\/span>
\u201cNow let\u2019s schedule your next appointment\u201d<\/span>
(running)<\/span>

 <\/span>
<\/font>*
\nNewamba Flamingo<\/span> was born and raised on a chicken farm in the Florida
\nKeys by a suicidal cult of transvestite prostitutes who dressed up in
\ngorilla suits and played loud Polka music from distorted speakers at
\nall hours of the night. After escaping the chicken farm, he was taken
\nhostage by an Elvis impersonator that forced him at gunpoint to write
\npoetry. His work has been published and featured
\nat 10K Poets, BadWriter, NC Lowbrow, MySpace, EveryPoet.Net, PoemHunter<\/span>, and various toilet stalls across Florida.<\/font>
<\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A Trip to the Dentist BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (bright light shining)(head back, eyes closed)(funny taste, weird smell) RRRREEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ \u201cOpen up wider, please\u201d\u201cLift up your chin\u201d\u201cThis may sting a bit\u201d(needle gum pinching, injection gripping, infection slipping, pricking a purple passive haze)(cooling circular currents of numb mollify my mouth violently in vertical, soothing, yet massive waves) EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZ \u201cSpit\u201d\u201cThat\u2019s a good boy\u201d(drooling, tongue out, panting like […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1744","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-prose-poetry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1744","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1744"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1744\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1744"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1744"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1744"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}