{"id":1378,"date":"2008-09-14T08:42:00","date_gmt":"2008-09-14T08:42:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ink.verticalplus.co.uk\/archive\/?p=1378"},"modified":"2008-09-14T08:42:00","modified_gmt":"2008-09-14T08:42:00","slug":"jonathan-pinnock-would-like-to-complain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/jonathan-pinnock-would-like-to-complain\/","title":{"rendered":"Jonathan Pinnock would like to complain"},"content":{"rendered":"

It's autumn, the season of mists, mellow fruitfulness and disputes with energy companies over the size of the bills they send us. As here \u2013 at Ink Sweat Towers \u2013 we are currently engaged in a frank exchange of views with the muppets who supply our electricity supply and have spent many hours listening to muzak on their voicemail systems, we had to publish this piece…<\/span>


I Wish to Register a Complaint<\/span>


Press 1 for Sales<\/span>
Press 2 for Technical Support<\/span>
Press 3 for Customer Services<\/span>
Press 4 for Accounts Payable<\/span>
Press 0 to hear this menu again<\/span>

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that<\/span>
Press 1 for Sales<\/span>
Press 2 for Technical Support<\/span>
Press 3 for Cust-<\/span>

Press 1 for Billing Assistance<\/span>
Press 2 for Service Alterations<\/span>
Press 3 for Payment Difficulties<\/span>
Press 4 for Complaints-<\/span>

Press 1 for Meek and Feeble<\/span>
Press 2 for Quietly Assertive<\/span>
Press 3 for Passive Aggressive<\/span>
Press 4 for Abusive-<\/span>

Press 1 for You're a Bunch of Fucking Wankers<\/span>
Press 2 for You Couldn't Find Your Arses with Both Hands<\/span>
Press 3 for Why Don't You Shove Your Fucking Awful Product Up Your Arse<\/span>
Press 4 for I'm Going to come Round There and Fucking Kill You<\/span>
Press 0 to hear this menu again<\/span>

Press 1 for You're a Bunch of Fuck-<\/span>

Thank you<\/span>
Your concern has been noted<\/span>
Beep<\/span>


* Jonathan Pinnock is married with two children and a 1961 Ami Continental jukebox. His fiction has won several prizes, shortlistings and longlistings, and he has been published in such diverse publications as <\/span>Smokebox, Every Day Fiction<\/span> and <\/span>Necrotic Tissue<\/span>. His imaginatively-titled<\/span>
website can be found at <\/span>www.jonathanpinnock.com<\/a>
<\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It's autumn, the season of mists, mellow fruitfulness and disputes with energy companies over the size of the bills they send us. As here \u2013 at Ink Sweat Towers \u2013 we are currently engaged in a frank exchange of views with the muppets who supply our electricity supply and have spent many hours listening to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1378","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-prose-poetry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1378","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1378"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1378\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1378"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1378"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inksweatandtears.co.uk\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1378"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}